Your Questions About Stay At Home Mom Depression
Helen asks…
How do you cope with depression and lonliness as a stay-at-home, christian mom?
I am a 33 yr old stay-at-home mom to four and one on the way. I don’t have a close extended family. The last time I had a good friend was eight years ago. (We stopped being close because she made bad choices and she moved away. I still care for her, but she is not a safe friend.) Making new friends has been a constant struggle for me since being married (14 years). I have tried many things to connect to other women. I have joined different mom groups, active in my church, and I even threw baby showers, hosted parties, and planned numerous play dates. I am a good friend: I am a good listener, I am intuitive, fun, and interested in other people. I am not afraid to be vulnerable (when appropriate.) I seem to join a group that is already closely established, or a group of friends that are bff’s, or women that just don’t share my same beliefs or lifestyle choices. I have moved six times in the past eight years. I have had to switch to six different churches, too. (My husband is a pastor). I feel depressed over the loss of everything familiar when I move, lack of no real girlfriends, and feeling of being overwhelmed as a stay at home mom without support from other moms in the same lifestyle. We moved to a different new state five months ago and I am having a real hard time. I am doing my best to be social. I have also signed up online to groups and have already been active, but I want a friend that I can spend time with in person. The depression and lonliness I experience can make me very negative and disinterested in the things I enjoy doing (or have to do, like chores). I eventually have a good cry, and then get back to my normal activites. But, the depression and lonlieness creeps back in, because, well, I AM lonlely and it depresses me. Any help would be great!
Yigly Admin answers:
Wow, i really feel for you. You seem to be doing everything right but to no avail…i also commend you for (apparently) being so supportive of your husband and his commitment to his work.
It makes me wonder if he is as supportive of you and your needs? Does he kno how you feel about having to move so many times and the effect it has had on your relationships and personal fulfillment??? I completely understand why you would be depressed and lonely! Making girlfriends is very hard and you have had to try to do that more than most grown women do in a lifetime. It sounds like you have experienced a good amount of rejection (if unintentional) as a result of trying to connect so many times with women in each new city, and rejection is tough no matter where it comes from.
So. I would start at home. If you haven’t already, sit down with your husband and have a good talk with him about how you are feeling. Make sure to talk about all the moving you’ve had to do. I am assuming here that your husband is a good and understanding listener as his career would indicate. You don’t say if you are a stay at home mom, but if you are, try to do some negotiating with your husband and get some free time each week to pursue your own interests.
Maybe chasing freindships *less* and your own interests more is the way to go. It sounds like all the ways you’ve sought friends has revolved around your faith or mom-ness. What else brings you joy? Reading? Quilting? Cooking? Drawing? Welding??? ;> perhaps you can take a class while your kids are with their dad – or a sitter – to better yourself. Seeking out things you like will make it more likely that you will find like-minded woman to form friendships with…maybe the women you’ve met at mommy-and-me class or church groups simply haven’t shared your interests, and that’s why you haven’t formed solid friendships! It’s great that you are a faithful person and a committed mom, but there is more to all of us than religion and family.
By exploring other sides of yourself you give yourself an opportunity to be more, which will feed your soul regardless of how many friends you make in the process.
Good luck!
Laura asks…
Help for a burned out, shy stay at home mom?
I am a mom that has three young children, and I stay at home with my children. I have always wanted to be at home with them. I love and adore my children. The problem is, I am also very shy in that I have a really hard time initiating friendships, have a phobia of calling people on the phone, and it has become even harder to get out with my young children. My spouse, because of work, is not available for extended periods of time.
I just feel like I am dragging all the time, like I am trying to get my motors started everyday to get through one long stressful yet boring, unexciting day. I think I am just really really burned out. I feel moody and irritable much of the day. Sometimes I feel like I am in a depression, sometimes I just feel like I have no desire to do this. I feel like I am doing the same thing over and over. I have no contact with the adult world. My kids, of course, are being kids, but it would feel nice for someone to realize I am a person with needs too.
Yigly Admin answers:
It sounds like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us! They don’t call it the hardest job in the world for nothing. You’ve already conquered the hard part which is realizing it. You need to find ways to make your day less boring and more exciting. You really have to force yourself to get out of the house with the kids. Start off with at least 3 times a week. Take them to the park. Take them to play at McDonald’s. Take them to visit an old friend or a relative. This will start to rid the “groundhog day” feelings. Mix it up a little, go different places just make sure you are getting out. While you are out, strike up conversations with other mothers that you see. Open up, tell them how you’re feeling and I PROMISE, you will meet others that are either feeling the same way or used to feel the same way. This will give you some much needed adult contact. You’ll be floored with how many mothers are going through the same exact thing as you. Don’t be afraid to tell them how much you enjoy talking to them and give out your phone number. Also let them know how you are about calling, you’ll find someone who will call you. Once you make some friends with kids, your outings will include meeting up with others, having them over to your house or going to their house. Kids are a great way to make friends.
Another thing you need to do is find some way to get some time alone. No kids, no husband. Hire a sitter or take the kids to a relatives house while your husband is at work. Even if it’s just a few hours a week, time alone will really help get rid of some stress and you’ll be a better mother and wife for it. Don’t use the time to be productive, just veg out a little. Take a hike in the woods, read a book, stare off into space. Just BE.
You also need to let your husband know how you are feeling. You need his help. It sounds like he’s off working much of the time and I know exactly how that is. Let him know that when he IS home, you need family time with him and couple time too. Make dates, go to places where you guys can reconnect as a couple. Find ways to look forward to the time you can spend together. Also, when he is home, let him have alone time with the kids as well so that you can escape a little. Remember that he needs down time too and arrange for him to have his alone time as well. He will really appreciate it.
My last bit of advice is for you to rediscover your passion. What is it that you loved doing before the kids came along? Are you doing it now? Do you have a hobby or interest that gets you going? If you do, start doing it again. If you didn’t have something before, it’s time to find out what that is now. Having something that you love doing is a great way to get you through the day. You need something to look forward to. Kids go to bed at night, don’t spend that time cleaning or zoning out at the TV. Use that time to do your hobby. That few hours of time before bed while kids are sleeping is like gold to me. My passion is music. After I put the kids to bed, I light some candles, pour a glass of wine, sit at my piano with headphones on and write songs. I LOVE it. I look forward to it and I can really tune into the kids knowing that I have this time after they get to sleep.
If you can do these things, I promise you can turn around how you feel in a very short period of time. If I had your number I’d call you and check in…and make sure you were making changes! Hang in there and know that you can turn it around and be the most positive influence in your kids life. You will also spark some lost passion in your marriage. Most of all, you will start building your sense of self worth again. You can do this. Good luck 
Sandy asks…
I’m a stay at home mom and I feel so very very empty. As if I am alone. Is this depression?
I work all the time at home. I’m not lazy. We are very blessed to not have to worry about money. I live away from everyone in my family. No friends here either. My husband is only here late at night. It’s just me and my son. I never thought I would feel this way. I was sooo excited about having a baby.
Yigly Admin answers:
Could be depression. YOu should find a hobby that you enjoy doing to get out and have time to yourself.
Robert asks…
How can stay at home mom get out of frustation she is facing after quitting the job and have moved to new city
I have never learned any crafts and hence unable to spend my time.I am also desperate to find some work but am unable to do that b’coz there is no cretche in my area.I own a teaching degree and am a commerce graduate and have basic knowledge of microsoft office.I want to earn money as well as take care of my child.Since I am unable to find any ways I am really in a lot of depression so much that I do not take care of my child, home and even me.I have also put on a lot of weight lately.and have also developed backache.Can you please help me?My husband is supportive but unable to help me.
Yigly Admin answers:
Can you tutor students?
Can you take in work at home such as medical dictation, book work and record keeping?
Have you found a group of mothers yet where you live? Get out and socialize with the child. Get some help from the doctor for your depression and find a way to feel useful and take time everyday for a walk and exercises you child will like it too. Are there people who look after young ones in their home that you can use? Could you find some one to come to your home if you gain employment?
Start to think what you can do and find a way to make it happen. Good luck to you.
Carol asks…
I have been a stay at home mom for years, now I work in a very stressful job, how do I adjust?
I have two school age children and I thougt I was ready to go back to work, now I feel depressed, and I miss being home. Since our income has doubled, I don’t see quitting as an option. But I cant beat this depression
Yigly Admin answers:
When was your last doctors appointment? I would suggest making an appointment and discussing this with the doctor…is it depression, is it your hormones out of “whack”, maybe he or she can shed some light. Do you have a good support system at home? Does hubby help with the household chores and children? If not, maybe a “sit down” with him would serve helpful too. Also, if you went back to work fulltime, maybe you could discuss with your employer about dropping back to parttime or job sharing. Hope this helps! Good luck to you!
Donald asks…
i am a stay at home mom and i need some advice can n e 1 help me?
I am a stay @ home mom an i feel like i may b goin in2 sum serious depression. my bf an i don live 2getha an i am nt workin my baby is 10 mths old an i hav nt devoted n e time or money 2 myself since she ws 3 mths my bf is trying 2 get stuff straight 4 us 2 gt married an move in 2getha bt in da meantime i am losin myself. i hav put on almost 100 pounds frm b4 i got pregnant i really wan 2 lose da weight bt dere r so many otha tings dat need my attn. bt on top of dat i have nt catered 2 myself in months i liv in da bahamas so tings r expensive an dere is no money 4 me afta bills an da babys needs. my bf nos how i feel bt he really wan us 2 get r futures straight so we don hav 2 struggle n e more . i no an understand how he feels but i feel like there shud be sum funds coming 2 me so that i can better myself so i don feel the way i do and maybe if i feel betta then i can help out more in otha ways so he doesn feel so stressd. WAT DO I DO I FEEL LIKE I AM SPIRALING INTO A DEEP DEPRESION
Yigly Admin answers:
Chill out!! Just get out with your mates and enjoy yourself a bit. That’s what weekends are for. Live your life your worth it and have fun. That’s my motto. Al vive et faculle.
Mark asks…
I have severe depression (ptsd), take meds &. I am a stay @ home mom. Daughter is 6 & in kindergarten.?
I wake up crying everyday wanting to kill myself. I know I Can’t because of damage it may do. Im married to someone no longer have feelings for. He loves me & is committed to relationship. I feel lost, alone, out of control. I am physically/ emotionally unavailable to our daughter. I am unable to play w/ her. I believe I am letting everyone down and wasting everyones time. I have no friends and do not go out. I don’t have anyone to speak w/ & am trapped. Even if I could leave I have nowhere to go. I really just want to kill myself but all this guilt about what I may or may not be doing to my daughter is making me sick. I read how you have to be happy so your kids can be happy but where does that leave the rest of us struggling w/ mental illness? I go for help. It’s not working. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be yelling at my daughter for no reason. She doesn’t deserve this miserable life I am showing her. Somedays are better than others, hit or miss. It’s a nightmare.
Yigly Admin answers:
I know this is a terrible situation that feels like there is no end. I know this because I went through what you are going through right now. I can tell you that it will get better!
If therapy is not working then change therapists… I went through three before I found one that fit my needs.
If you are feeling suicidal then you need to speak to your doctor about this right away! Some medications can cause this. You may be on the wrong meds! I urge you to speak to your doctor tomorrow!
I would not worry about your marriage at the moment. You may feel differently about your husband when you are not so depressed and you can and will get on top of this depression.
Having a supportive and committed partner can be a real asset to you at the moment and once you are feeling more balanced you may want to try marriage counseling.
One thing that helped me was joining a mommies group. I met a lot of women that had the same struggles as I did and formed friendships that I still have (six years later).
Please speak to you doctor and trust me when I tell you that it will get better.
Susan asks…
what can i do to adjust to being a stay at home mom when it’s making me miserable?
I have a 3 month old little girl and I am a stay at home mom. I have struggled a lot with post partum depression. My dr put me on lexapro which as helped but I still get depressed often. I have so much to be thankful for but I spend so much time feeling sad. many days I cant motivate myself to do anything around the house. I feel so lazy but I can’t snap out of it. I don’t know what to do with myself all day, I have never not worked. Even though I feel worse when I just sit around I continue to repeat the same behavior.
How can I get out of this funk? How do I approach my new life as a homemaker when I never imagined my life this way? I know so many working moms would love to be in my situation!
Yigly Admin answers:
Nope, I am a working mom and I love it. I can’t stand staying at home. I tried for 8 months and ended up on anti-depressants too! Staying at home for me was like the Groundhog Day movie except that I could never make it work in my favor, unlike the main character.
Try to find a part-time job. This way you will have the best of both worlds.
William asks…
How do I deal with my husband’s attitude around the house? I’m a stay at home mom and he works… I’m so lost
Before we had our baby (who will be 1 in 2 weeks) our house, I kept it spotless. He would tease me about it not needing to look like a magazine. We both worked full time, he has always had a full time job and a part-time job. When we had the baby he and I prayed about it and decided for me to stay home with her. Since then the house isn’t near as neat,tidy or clean as before, laundry doesnt always get done when it hits the hamper. I dealt with some post partum depression after delivery, (Csection)and now that I’m getting back on track he seems to have an attitude about the house. I dont have the time to clean it like I did before, and we weren’t home to “live” in it. I spend my time, soothing an 11 1/2 month old, who’s walking, when she falls, bumps her head, gets her hand in a drawer, feeding her, bathing her, trying just to keep enough toys up not to step on them. I’ve asked him if he wants me to go back to work, he says no. But I dont know what to do with his attitude when he’s home
His part time job is a firefighter/paramedic which tones drop when I’m making dinner, or if he tries with a bath, so he just has to drop it and run, and if he’s up at the station as he is about 3 nights a week he wants me to bring the baby up there to see him. Which is fine, I’m glad he wants to see her. But when I get things straightened up and he comes in dropping boots, shirts, sippy cups, not putting diapers away, tossing mail all over, it’s like I have 2 kids! He has stayed with the baby for the most of 5hrs w/out me and I got 3 phone calls, and a ton of texts. He says well I tried but it’s kinda hard with her always getting into something. HELLO WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!
I’m not trying to complain, I’m blessed that I can stay home and raise our baby, I just dont know how to get things back to half way presentable around here. Advice is great!! THANKS!
Yigly Admin answers:
I understand that your husband has two jobs. They’re things man should do to help out, such as garbage, the yard, etc…Perhaps your husband may agree on hiring someone to help; either watch your cute baby or help around the house or maybe both. It seem that your family is Christian. Don’t abandon God…pray for resolve…God bless
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